FINDING IT
by Maria Robins-Somerville
Hand to god I say chas v'shalom is the phrase for god forbid I learned last week after the god forbid things happen I grow my hair long like a Pentecostal I get on my knees in Prospect Park I baptize I sweat for my sins I swipe my card on the prosperity gospel on Friday Night Lights those Texas boys talk touching god when they play sports and when they fuck and I say I’m not touching god but maybe I touch my tomorrow self a girl with a 247 area code is gonna do reiki on me after all those cynical years yes I will download your meditation app yes I will find it in myself to be gentle in Mexico I put the evil eye on it I talk to a man at the necklace stand I hang my heart round my neck sometimes it takes guts sometimes it takes nothing love will tear us apart / love will choke you to death I say bring back the guillotine for me put me down I say politicize my death and tell everyone you know that I was a good time I’ve been wishing to be a tree or a dog or a beautiful popstar when she sings men melt when I bark I disappear I say come over I say I am mentioning it too much and I don’t care and tomorrow me will believe anything we joke about people who talk about their nervous systems too often and I stay up late to read about my vagus nerve and all the coregulating I’ve done the man who fills himself with his son’s blood maybe some magic greens maybe some deep breaths I listen to a messianic Jew and a professor of charisma and no one should worry because my wits are all too about me I sip tea at my mom’s kitchen table and lean in and learn what the fuck a stellium is I forget quick but the word glimmers and hits my sternum I’m a goat on a mountain today and I am a creature of comfort I do it for the plot and I crown myself in desperation I scribble delusionalia at work I speak to my daughters who don’t exist yet they are strong and sweet and funny and they smell like a loaves of bread they bewilder me every day I am raw to the world and I’m a wall I’m flesh I’m getting stronger than I thought I am shocking myself alive and I’m folding I’m shocking myself alive and self-diagnosing I watch a movie about tennis which is really a movie about looking for a way to be more and better and forever I give up looking for a way to be less for lent I give in to looking at men’s arms that pop song says baby no attachment like buddha like my ricochet heart I swallow a lyric like medicine I sign up I wear out I will practice anything for a while now I say hand to god I say inshallah I say wherever you go there you are and don’t hold on to hot stones or drink poison or borrow trouble and this too shall pass and here is my number if you want to hang out your yesterday arms visit me and I hold you like a perfume sample I rub my face in your magazine I turn the page I recycle I decompose I sit behind the wheel and press I’m cavern I’m chrysalis I mix metaphors like a cafeteria Catholic I stand in the lunch line forever I wring my brain out in the laundromat I dissect and digest and say make me exist like god does it might serve me to be a bit more sacrilegious
words kinda fall short right now, but we wanted to emphasize that we always want gunk to be a generative community resource, resilient through times when we can feel small and powerless and alone. secret riso club is hosting a community potluck on sunday night: a space to gather, organize, be in fellowship. 6-9PM at 122 central :) bring food, drink, poetry, a song to share
you can reliably find GUNK at: ♡ secret riso club (bushwick) honeymoon coffee shop (ridgewood) topos (ridgewood) normas (ridgewood) milk&pull (ridgewood), little roy (bed stuy), playground zine box (bed stuy) prima (clinton hill) the lot zine box (greenpoint). baby’s all right (williamsburg), billy’s record salon (east williamsburg) lagoon (bedstuy), bike plant (bedstuy), swallow (bushwick), East One (carroll gardens) orphan (carroll gardens), cotton bean (crown heights)
As a paid subscriber, you can get GUNK mailed to you!
To ensure you secure a copy, we’ll mail November GUNK to you (or do local delivery for NYC heads) for $10. Please make sure to send us your mailing address (either thru email or substack dm), if you up the subscription and you’ll get a GUNK asap. About 30 of yall have opted in for GUNK to be mailed to you monthly and a handwriting reveal.
★ You can always still find GUNK in the wild for yourself, for free. ★
yours, forreal
ceci and hannah
 | A guest post by
|
Fantastic poem...thank you.