Clouds left me around the time everything else did. They headed down to Phoenix, preferring the desert company of wild dogs and strangers in bars to figuring out what the hell it was exactly that I couldn’t be for them. Can’t say I blame them, but I sure did try. Maybe they had it figured out all along. My dog can’t jump on the bed like he used to, gotta sleep on the floor next to him. Most nights it feels more for my sake than his – he’ll be gone when I wake up, but I stay there all the same.
Hardest part is it feels like these just keep happening. I didn’t get left once, not twice — every day, happening in the same ways. Has been for years now. Shit flying out of my head, heart, line of sight. Maybe it’s a mindset problem, how I receive things. Probably just age — easier to contend with because it’s impossible not to. The ache is like a heavy red drop blotting the center of a scrap of fabric, surging to find the nervous system of the frame. Used to be all unstretched and malleable — the capacity is endless, the dye will fade. Young cattle dogs will run themselves ragged and wake up the next morning forgetting it ever happened.
But the years go by, and the edges of that same scrap come into view. Life’s work makes it taut, less tolerant. Used to tear through a dislocated shoulder and a broken heart without so much as a yelp. Now, the limbs are stiff, and the patience is thin. Same drop sticks around, colors the next one even deeper. After a while, you’ve got no choice but to groan, bark at the clouds like you’re angry with them for moving.
Yeah. Probably just age.
My birthday’s coming up in a couple of days. Someone who cared too much about birthdays once scowled at me and said “I bet you’re someone who doesn’t care at all about your birthday.” I try to let that be the case, but they bother me all the same. Spent my whole 28th figuring it’s time to start leaving some things with my name on them on this earth while I can, ‘cause keeping them in isn’t doing any good. At 26, I had the forest fire of love raging in my chest, torching every nerve and sense inside. Scarred it all to hell, but left some room for a couple pioneers to start new. 23 was so excited that the same search for an answer would never end. I don’t know what I thought each year before then, but I’m sure I thought it was worth remembering.
Now, the dog snores more than he eats. We gave him a shot to help with the joint pain, ease it up a little bit, knowing it’s not going anywhere but with him to the wrong side of the dirt. And I grab my drinks two at a time to avoid the trip back to the bar.
-Dawood Nadurath
find gunk IRL soon. reminder that you can get december gunk mailed to you for $10 a month! give yourself or your loved ones the gift of gunk this holiday season :)
alot of exciting things coming your way soon.
in loving memory of alyx zauderer.
<3 ceci and hannah
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